Ramblings of a failure

It's almost 12:30am and I can't sleep.

Work kicked my ass this weekend.

But tonight, it's my mind beating me up. 

My thoughts are destructive,

And I'm feeling defeated and sad.

My migraine has been at a 12 all weekend.

I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained.

Somedays I feel like I'm on top of the world.

And in a matter of minutes, the switch gets flipped. 

The words that play in my mind are hurtful.

I'm not good enough for anyone.

I'm better off alone so I don't hurt those around me.

I'm a lousy friend and mom.

Days when I want to throw in the towel,

Take a long drive off a short cliff.

I know that I will never act on such thoughts.

But they're there, a lot more often than I care to admit.

Self harm has been increasingly more difficult to avoid.

The thing about living my whole life like this,

Is that I've gotten better at hurting myself.

Is I've learned to manage how I handle these things. 

I know that I can no longer put the blade to my skin.

Pills call to me, wanting me to use again,

But usually that's Ana, and I know better.

I feel like I fuck everything up,

With everyone that I have loved.

I'm so dependent on others and their validation,

That it literally destroys me when I feel like I've failed.

And I feel like I've failed a lot recently. 

I just want to please everyone,

That I end up just letting everyone down. 

I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle of highs and lows.

And the lows are more frequent. 

But that's all on the inside, under the mask.

On the surface, I have a tough exterior.

But inside, I am breaking,

And I don't know how anyone can help me.

This is my journey,

And each day I push forward and just hope for the best.

I will continue to be kind to others,

I will continue to be helpful,

I will continue to show love.

So at least my mind can be put at ease,

Knowing those I love are happy.

Now that it's almost 1:15,

I'm going to hopefully fall asleep for at least a few hours. 

XOXO KitKat

Not enough time

As I'm sitting here smoking the last of my morning bowl,

I can hear my daughter giggling while eating breakfast.

My younger son in his room playing video games.

And not a peep from the teenager (it's still too early *insert eye roll*)

The house is fairly quite,

Which is a nice change of pace from the tension that sweeps through the halls usually. 

I have to close tonight at work,

And tomorrow, and the next day.

I love my job, I love the people I work with.

I just miss having time to take the kids to do things.

I miss random trips to the mountains, or the river.

The kids don't mind going to work with me,

They get to play or earn money. 

I just miss that quality time.

I've had to take up as many hours as work will allow me,

With all these life changes, I've had to take more financial responsibility. 

Isn't it crazy how major life changes just kinda smack you in the face?

While I feel like my life is falling apart,

I also feel like it's coming together. 

"Well Katie, when one door closes, another opens."

How cliché is that?

The universe knew...

Saw me struggling in my career, my relationships, my addictions.

And while my mental health is literal shit right now,

I somehow know that everything is going to work out. 

The stars will align in my favor.

I've started to use my voice,

And it feels good to be heard.

For so long, I have felt the need to hold back, bite my tongue.

Years and years of abuse and trauma will kinda do that to you.

Make you feel like you're walking on eggshells,

With everyone.

And while that eggshell feeling hasn't completely diminished,

I'm getting better at stomping on them so I can be heard. 

Which has proven to be beneficial,

With work, with the kids, and friends. 

I know that there is so much more work to do,

To heal my heart, to mend my soul.

I'm only a small percentage of the way there. 

But each day is a step closer in the right direction. 

Now it's time for me to go wake the teenager and hang with the kids before work.

XOXO KitKat

Obligatory Introduction Post

I will try to keep this short-ish and simple-ish.

My name is Katie and I'm from beautiful Colorado. 

I have 3 kids (2 boys and a girl.)

I have several pets (ferrets, dogs, a lizard.)

I'm the head chef at a local bar and smokehouse.

I love spending time with my favorite people.

I used to be addicted to pills for several years.

Now I smoke weed all the time.

I rarely drink (mostly due to trauma.)

I'm obsessed with the following:

Astrology, plants, writing, music, makeup and nature.

I have the following mental diagnosis:

Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, BPD, and PTSD.

I also suffer from fibromyalgia and chronic migraines. 

I'm not new to the blogging world,

However it's been over 4 years. 

I decided to start writing again because mental health is a bitch.

This blog will mostly be my random ramblings.

Thoughts that need an escape.

I don't know if anyone will take anything away from my words.

However, I am hopeful that it will be helpful for either myself or others. 

XOXO KitKat