Ramblings of a failure

It's almost 12:30am and I can't sleep.

Work kicked my ass this weekend.

But tonight, it's my mind beating me up. 

My thoughts are destructive,

And I'm feeling defeated and sad.

My migraine has been at a 12 all weekend.

I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained.

Somedays I feel like I'm on top of the world.

And in a matter of minutes, the switch gets flipped. 

The words that play in my mind are hurtful.

I'm not good enough for anyone.

I'm better off alone so I don't hurt those around me.

I'm a lousy friend and mom.

Days when I want to throw in the towel,

Take a long drive off a short cliff.

I know that I will never act on such thoughts.

But they're there, a lot more often than I care to admit.

Self harm has been increasingly more difficult to avoid.

The thing about living my whole life like this,

Is that I've gotten better at hurting myself.

Is I've learned to manage how I handle these things. 

I know that I can no longer put the blade to my skin.

Pills call to me, wanting me to use again,

But usually that's Ana, and I know better.

I feel like I fuck everything up,

With everyone that I have loved.

I'm so dependent on others and their validation,

That it literally destroys me when I feel like I've failed.

And I feel like I've failed a lot recently. 

I just want to please everyone,

That I end up just letting everyone down. 

I feel like I'm stuck in this cycle of highs and lows.

And the lows are more frequent. 

But that's all on the inside, under the mask.

On the surface, I have a tough exterior.

But inside, I am breaking,

And I don't know how anyone can help me.

This is my journey,

And each day I push forward and just hope for the best.

I will continue to be kind to others,

I will continue to be helpful,

I will continue to show love.

So at least my mind can be put at ease,

Knowing those I love are happy.

Now that it's almost 1:15,

I'm going to hopefully fall asleep for at least a few hours. 

XOXO KitKat